I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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