i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
