I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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