I'm so fucking centered right now
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
