Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
