i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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