Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
