It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
