Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
