When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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