my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
