I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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