I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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