She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
