Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
