I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
