I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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