i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
