The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
