The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
