Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
