i think my tv is drunk
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
