How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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