i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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