dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
