look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
