My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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