The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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