Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
