You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
