i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
