"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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