I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Did I show you my penis last night?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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