3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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