I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
