why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
