I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize