mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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