I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
