it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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