There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
