I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
