True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
