You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Randomize
