i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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