***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
