she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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