he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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