I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
