She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
