you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
