Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
